The night before I was asked if I wanted to bring a book. Yeah right! Ha! No way. I knew I wasn't going to read the book and do something productive. Expand my mind? You kidding me? I have my ipod and now the PSP. I don't need a book! I said "Sure, pack it. I'll read it on the plane. Great idea."
Flying sucks! I hate it with a passion. It's the only place that we act cordial to total strangers and that in any other context of our lives we would probably give them the finger and say screw off. But since we are stuck together, in a seat way to small, at the mercy of some other stranger "driving the tin can", we act nice and smile at dumb references made by people we figure out we hate the moment they sit down next to us. When have you ever made an assessment that fast about someone in your life? Case in point, I'm sitting down, I got the row of seats to myself and all of a sudden a some collagen enhanced psycho sits next to me. My immediate reaction was "Shit, you gotta be "effin" kidding me." Anyway she sits down and starts talking. Do we talk to the guy pumping gas next to us at the gas station? No. Do we talk to the guy or lady waiting behind us at the grocery store with them annoying kids that want a damn snickers bar? No. Do we talk to the pain in the ass lady with way too much make up on and lips bigger then anything Angelina Jolie has ever dreamt of having? No, we don't! Leave me alone and I promise not to lean on you if I fall asleep. Leave me alone and I may even keep the ipod music down as to not disturb you on this long and painful flight. I'll be a good passenger if you leave me the hell alone!
First question she asked was "Where you going?" Now being the smart ass I am I said "The same place your going." Where else could I possibly be going? If she wanted to know where my final destination was she should have asked that question. She was taken aback at first but then she got it and chuckled. That should have been the end. I set off the vibe I didn't want to be conversed with. Now sitting in the middle seat because the last member of our trio arrived and my assigned seat was that of bitch. The middle seat on a four hour flight.
I'm not a man of great stature. On a good day I stand 5' 10" and 185 lbs. Middle seat sucks but it'll do. I'm texting The Chosen One, also lucky enough to grace the middle seat about three rows up, our final goodbyes. Yeah, we didn't get to sit next to each other. Whose fault is that? Gabby as she will be referred to here, says "I hate to text and don't know why people do it." I let her know my wife is up about three rows ahead and I... Mid sentence I stopped talking. I was like what the f**k? This chick needs to stop talking, quick. I literally didn't even respond to her wisdom on why texting is dumb.
Fat-lips Houlihan decides to make a comment about my phone. I'm currently sporting the newest touch screen phone that the "can you hear me now" network has to offer. She says she hates my phone. Seriously, we are sitting on the exit isle and I think at 30,000 feet, and the captain announces "we are at cruising altitude" she's getting jettisoned. She asks if she can see it. I let her fondle it. Now as any cool 14 year old would have, you got to have a cool home screen picture on your phone. Its a must. Most normal adults have pictures of their kids or family, a sports team or even a serene picture of a lake or something! I have the "Terminator" metal skull as my home screen, red eyes and some nasty teeth waiting for me every time I answer the call. She sees that and gasps. She freakin gasped at the picture. It was awesome! It made riding bitch and listening to her go on and on about whatever she was going on about, worth it. Come on, that should be it right? Wrong!
About 20 minutes into the flight she breaks out a portable DVD player. I spy Slumdogg Millionaire. Great flick. Latika is hot. She asks if I want to watch it with her. I declined politely and said "No, I have already seen it, but thanks anyway." She says to me and the other dude, the third member of our trio, and this is a seriously honest word for word quote, "Come on I have two holes." At this point I am in travelers hell. If I was with anyone else, ANYONE, I would have made a comment that a strange woman said to me she has two holes. It's how a 14 year old thinks. I am stuck sitting in the middle of two strangers. All I want to do is listen to some music and play the god damned PSP. I am still having grand thoughts of busting a cool mill in under an hour.
Finally she asks me if we can switch seats. She wants to be in the middle so her and her new "friend" can watch Slumdogg. "Are you serious? You want to switch?" DONE! I'm in the isle, The White Stripes are blearing and I am coming up on an hour.
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I am laughing too hard to write! A fantastically, warped but perfect depiction of flying. For some reason, I, too, attract the loonies in flight. My two favorites are the guy who sat next to me and announced he was 36 years old and this was his first flight and then proceeded to quiz me on where the best strip clubs were in Tampa. I had another dude, a Charles Manson look-a-like, who after a few drinks started filling my ears with talk of the global race war soon to implode, blacks against whites, advising me on stockpiling ammo before it was too late.
ReplyDelete2 holes, indeed! I can't believe YOU were able to hold back on that one.