Riding the roller coaster no more....

I used to think that I liked roller coasters. You get in line and wait and wait and wait some more until it is your turn to board the ride. You get in and begin the transition skyward. The anticipation builds up tremendously while you are on the way up. You reach the apex and begin your journey. In the blink of an eye you are at the top and then BAM your on the way back towards the surface of the Earth. You’re almost left with a feeling of disappointment because you waited so long for something and it didn't last too long. A roller coaster ride will you get higher then high and than crash you down lower then low.

There are things in our lives that can put you on a roller coaster of emotional duress. Illegal and illicit drugs can do it. Alcohol can do it if you drink it to excess. However, alcohol is legal so it can’t possibly be bad for you, can it? Gambling can do it, but that’s also legal so its not bad either. But think of gambling for a second. What do we gamble on? Sports.

Ask anyone what is the most destructive force in nature. Some may say water, a few other may even say fire or wind. I say sports and competition is single-handedly the most destructive force in our world. Pose this same question to any woman on a Saturday or Sunday during football season. I wonder if they’d agree with my assessment.

I remember my first two experiences with sports and competition like it was yesterday. The first horrific experience I had was when I made the last out in a little league championship game. Never had I experienced a feeling of complete failure and inadequacy. I was 8.

My next delve into horrible and terrible sports experiences was when I watched the hated Islanders knock the Rangers out of the NHL playoffs in 1984. The hated Islanders beat my beloved Rangers. The Rangers tied the game up at the end of regulation. I was ecstatic only to have that glorious feeling replaced with despair when I saw them lose the game on a soft goal from the perimeter. I was crushed. I cried for days. I couldn’t get over the fact that they lost to that team. I kept reliving that moment in my head over and over again. I swore from then on I would hate anything orange and blue.

Fast forward to present day. I am living a nightmare watching any team that I have deemed important. I go through silly preparations and routines thinking that what I do has some sort of bearing on the outcome. Why? For what? The sickest part is I know what I go through on game day does nothing for the outcome of any of these games, yet I am as routine as the sun rises in the east when it comes to these silly game day preparations. 

2007, the Giants won the Super Bowl because they came together as a team at the right point and blasted pretty boy Tom Brady with a stud defense. You mean to tell me they didn’t win because I wore the same black shirt and pair of black pants all throughout the playoffs? I did. I even brought my outfit down to Florida because I knew I was going to watch the NFC Championship game there. The Chosen One had a look of disgust on her face that I have seen one other time when I rolled out of a cab in California and proceeded to throw up all the nights offerings. That's why she is The Chosen One, but that story is for another time.

When I came out of the bathroom with my game gear on she looked at me as if she hated me. She knew what I was wearing. My game day gear consisted of nothing that resembled anything close to a sports franchise. It was a way too tight black Oakley t-shirt and a pair of Nike sweatpants. I picked out this ensemble because the night before the G-Men played in the Wild Card game against Tampa, I over indulged in some adult beverages. I was completely hung over and the outfit looked like it was very comfortable. So wait a second, my binge drinking may have helped the Giants win that year? Excellent!

Right now at this moment, I'm inventing something. I'm inventing the "Almost Middle of the Year Resolution". I'm calling it the Cinco de Mayo Resolution. Let's face it, my New Years Resolution didn't go so well. So I'm granting myself and anyone who wants to join this new movement a do-over.

I’m making the change. No more routines on game days. No more eating the same food at the same spot on the couch with my special shirt on in the sports room with my feet on the floor and not up, because when they were up on the ottoman the other team scored. No more bitching at The Chosen One for coming into the room and sitting down and then shortly after this the other team makes a play or scores a goal. It’s not her fault the team sucks is it?

From now on I'm flat lining. No more snapping fingers, clapping or yelling at the TV. No more crying or getting set off on a downward spiral where I go outside and cut the lawn. Of all things to get myself out a funk I cut the lawn?! Are you serious? I am from now on going to be a mindless, emotionless and expressionless fool who no longer cares about shit he has no control over.

So I am making a proclamation now. It starts now, with me! No more ups and downs. I’m stepping off this ride and I’m never getting back on. I used to question why and how dudes didn’t like sports. I used to hate how I would ask someone about football or something and they would reply “I’d rather PLAY sports then WATCH them!” I never got that. I do now. I ‘m that guy from this day forth! Ask me if I care.

From now on I'm not only watching reruns of "Sex and the City" or my all time favorite shitty sitcom "Friends" but I'm gonna be stoked that the audience cheered when Ross and Rachel kiss. That's really going to make my day better.

This of course happens after I put on the way too tight black Oakley t-shirt and black pair of Nike sweatpants for game 7 which happens tomorrow night in our nations capital at 7:00 pm on the Versus Network formerly known as The Outdoor Network, channel 603 on Direct TV. Then after that I'm definitely done.

Please God, let them win, cause if they don't, you are going to have to talk me down from the ledge.