Is it 1809 or 2009?

Sometimes I wish I was back in 1809. Maybe life would be simpler. Maybe not. I don't know. As far as I know people didn't take baths back then. I mean there was no record of it. I guess there is no record of people taking baths today either, so maybe in the future people will say the same about us. I don't know. For the record, I take baths, on average about two a day. 

That's really not the reason for this post. The year is 2009 and we have a problem in the world. No, not apes or machines taking over the world. I've already said this countless times. If you are not going to take my advice now, then screw you. I'm not mentioning the failing economy, nor am I going to mention the two wars the U.S. is fighting as we speak. I'm talking about pirates. 

OK, I have some new questions. Are these the same pirates we are used to? Do they have patches and wooden legs? Maybe a bird on their shoulder repeating the stupid shit they say? Are they drunk all the time singing those old swashbuckling songs? 

Also just in case you were wondering, speak like a pirate day is September 19th. Think of it. There are a few people on this planet that on this date they say shit like "Arrr matey" and "Walk the plank!" WTF? It is one of those ridiculous traditions a couple of nerds in their mother's basements tried to start in 1995. Thats the truth. Look it up.  

Really, what the hell is going on? All I see on the news is this crap about pirates. To be honest it has stoked my interest quite a bit. I mean think of it...Pirates! It's 2009 not 1809. If it were say, 1809 I could understand this. But it's not, It's 2009! I could here President Madison's advisors telling him, "Look Jim, we need to do something about these freaking pirates. They are really screwing up our shipping lanes and taking our stuff. You gotta do something Jimmy!"

A line from probably the greatest song ever written was born from these times. The Marine Corps is steeped heavily on tradition. Tradition that comes from battles with pirates along the very shores that even just last week we sniped three of these pirates. There has to be video tape of these pirates getting their head split open somewhere. I gotta see it. 

First line of the Marine Corps Hymn says "From the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli." We sang it everyday. We even sang it when we went to church. Yes I went, it got me out of shining my boots on Sunday. I don't go to church anymore. Maybe I would if at the end of the service we sang that song. Anyway Tripoli was where the Marines first fought pirates in the 18th century. By the way, the Marine Corps Hymn is the oldest song in the military, they drill this shit in your head at boot camp. 

Fast forward to 2009. The orders are given from Central Command Tampa, the missiles are fired from some base or submarine, take your pick,  and they can reach out and touch someone from anywhere in the world. Our military is f**king awesome! Pirates? Come on man, this should be a no brainer. It's not like we don't know where the pirates are hanging and operating. 

My solution to the pirate problem we are facing is very simple. I'd recommission a few of those battleships we have just hanging out as museums and send them over to the area. The orders would be even more basic. Bomb the shit out of the coast. But I'd totally make sure they had some video cameras on the bombs. I love nothing more then watching some grainy black and white video of an ariel view of the land getting closer and closer until the screen goes black. I like it even more when the people inside know the bomb is coming and they try to escape. That's so awesome. If you don't want to be evaporated then don't be a pirate. That'll be the motto. Park a few of these big ass ships over there and I am pretty sure the pirate problem will solve itself. Shit, plant a few subs there while we're at it and I guarantee the pirate problem goes away.

Jeffery Gettlemen of The New York Times recently wrote an article on this very topic. His solution is very different than mine. He suggested that we steer clear of these shipping lanes. Companies will not engage in this because it's not cost effective. The quickest route to get some place is to go from point A to point B, not Point A, then to C, D, E, then back to B. Doesn't work. 

I'm thinking stimulus money. This is an awesome opportunity for some cool entrepreneur. Talk about creating jobs, a company could create basically a small navy to fight pirates. Wait, forget the private navy. That's ridiculous. Hire some dudes to just shoot back at the pirates. They could stay on the ship. I'll do this job. Suit me up with some kick ass gear, such as some small rockets, not those shitty RPG's (Rocket Propelled Grenades...come on, do I have to explain everything?) that the Russians and Chinese mass produce like some sort of weird toy on an assembly line. I am talking surface to surface baby. I am talking the Javelin. Come on, its only the coolest anti tank missile the U.S. Military has in stock!

My thoughts are it would go something like this. Sirens whirling, intercom states "We have pirates on the starboard 200 meters closing fast. Javelins at the ready!" That's where I come in. "Javelin ready for launch sir, awaiting permission to fire." Captain then says "Fire when ready." Me: "Fire! Missile in the air, 10 seconds to target....SPLASH! Pirates in the water. Commence rescue operation for swimming pirates?" "Ahhh, that's a negative, let's continue to destination...WE GOT A DEADLINE TO MEET PEOPLE!"

See? Easy. Pirate problem solved.