The Talk

Relationships are based on the ability of those involved to be able to communicate their needs and expectations to their partner. It makes things so easy when two people can say what is on their mind without their significant other getting angry. This works for friends, married couples, people dating and even coworkers. It's what makes us better than the Great Apes.

If you can master communicating with the people in your life, no matter what the relationship is, I'm sure you'll be better off. Imagine your boss calls you into the office and starts asking why something wasn't completed to its fullest extent. If you become defensive and start blaming others for your miscues the conversation can go sour pretty fast. You may find yourself being the difficult one in the office. If it's a relationship of the intimate variety then you may find yourself "unemployed" in the job of love. 

The Chosen One and I have mastered this art of communicating. I'm constantly called into the office to have me made aware of my deficiencies. I usually get called in once every 5 to 6 months to discuss what went wrong. I feel it to be an almost semi annual review.  I get some satisfactory performance merits but some unsatisfactory items that need to be addressed immediately for some reason. They never can wait. Me not taking out the trash can three weeks in a row is somehow an urgent matter. This also leads to other things I'm doing wrong. 

Usually these talks last almost an hour and they usually end with me bursting out in laughter because most of the time I know I am wrong. I'll have an epiphany of wrongness and it makes me laugh hysterical for some reason. The first time this happened I thought I was gonna catch a right to the chin. It never came and I was actually met with the same sort of maniacal laughter. 

The first time we had The Talk I learned so much! I learned that I'm usually wrong. I learned that I get defensive in the beginning and as The Talk goes on and on and on I am able to get my point across, a little bit. The Chosen One starts to see my point and pretty much begins having The Talk with herself. Sometimes I probably don't even need to be there because she is basically talking out loud about what I am doing wrong. She'll come up with solutions or suggestions which are completely agreeable. But the most important thing I learned that first night was that I can stop The Talk from going any further with me laughing. 

The first time this happened I couldn't help it. I was trying to go hang out with a friend of mine and she was giving it to me good on how I offer no help around the house. We talked for a good 20 minutes and it ended with me realizing I was wrong and that I DO need to do more. I do need to try vacuuming. I knew I was wrong and it made me laugh. Dude, I thought I was going to get decked. First she got mad and asked why I was laughing but at this point I couldn't stop. Trying to stop only made me laugh even harder. She started to laugh also and all was good. 

Since then I am the same jackass, and I really haven't learned a thing in regards that I keep making the same mistakes. I keep doing the same things but I expect different outcomes. Some may call this the definition of insanity. This is 10 years later. I will still be great for 3 months, OK for 2 months and a shithead for 4 weeks. Hence the break between chit chats. 

Like I said, The Talk comes every 5-6 months. I got one last week. The Talk has morphed from me schlubbing household chores to not giving enough affection and everything in between. I don't pet the dog enough. I don't like American Idol, I don't gain any weight with all the beer I drink. Name it, we talked about it. 

 This past "Talk" got me to thinking. Am I the only male that gets this little chat? If I'm not, do I get it more often than others and if I do why? Questions need to be asked. Statements need to be made. I figured I needed to get to the bottom of this. Am I a pain in the ass or am like every other male on planet Earth? There can't be anyone better than me right?

 There was only one way to get these answers and I wasn't reading any space book to find them. No more "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" fluffy bullshit. I am getting to the bottom of this. 

I got scientific. I conducted a survey. I asked a series of questions to various women I know about a relationship they may have been in or are in where they have had to issue a form of The Talk. The outcome in my opinion was very enlightening, or chilling, depending on your perspective. It was wonderful to feel that I'm not alone. There are many of us with the same problems. 

Out of all the women I polled (HA!) 100% said they have had to give a form of The Talk. 

The questions consisted of simple stuff like have you ever had to talk to your significant other about household responsibilities? That question in itself garnered a resounding yes. Apparently in many households across America, or Charlotte NC, that is a big problem in relationships. It's not in mine cause I don't do them. 

I also asked if you have ever said you sometimes feel like roommates. Another yes, not as prolific as household chores but a yes nonetheless. The questions I asked where simplistic in nature only because I knew what my motive was. I chose not to do the math on whether or not who answered what to what question. That would take too long. I skewed the survey as much as possible so if a person answered yes to any question then they had The Talk so I could say I'm not the only idiot that is pissing off their spouse. I could then take this data back to The Chosen One and say "See! This is going on everywhere! It's an epidemic."

Seriously though, I'm thinking that one of these days I'm going to initiate The Talk and see what happens. Lets see how she likes it. How will she like to see unsatisfactory performance on her chart? I'm going to make the call to The Chosen One and say "Listen honey, the past couple of days have been real rough. We need to talk."