Somebody's got to be the butt...

"Hickledy pickledy pig, let me out and make me big." 

This is a line from a play my youngest is in during the last week of school. She is in the first grade and apparently movies and end of the year parties are a thing of the past. Working in a middle school, I understand the reasoning behind the no party rule. Preteens with hormones raging do not need any help with being an asshole. Let the little ones party on. If an elementary school teacher can't keep some bratty kids hopped up on extended sugar highs, then maybe said person's teaching certificate should be revoked. How bad could 18 screaming shit heads jacked up on "Smarty's" and cupcake frosting be?

Please take into consideration that I am a teacher, however in my humble opinion I think that some teachers may create some dumb ass assignment just to say to the person in charge "Look what I am doing. My class is creating a play." "Good for you! Good for you Mrs. Crabapple. Great Job!" 

It's busy work. I know it. You know it. Somehow the kids don't. Thinking back I wonder when I picked up on the establishments bullshit. At what age did I rebel against the norm and say "F**k it! I ain't buying this crap no more. I'm not going to be a bird in an egg with an elastic beak singing 'Rockin Robin'." Oh, I remember now, it had to be after the 3rd grade because that was the last time I was in a play as a bird in an egg costume with an elastic beak singing "Rockin Robin." 

As I have stated, I have two small daughters whom I refer to as my ladies. One of my ladies who is finishing up the first grade is performing in the upcoming hit "The Day I Followed A Pickle". I guess I should be thankful it is not the stage version of the now famous book for couples "Tickle His Pickle." She plays a "little instant" as she calls it. You and I may refer to the "Little Instant" as our small intestine. 

OK, so the play is called "The Day I Followed A Pickle" and one of the lines is "Hickledy pickledy pig, let me out and make me big", seems to me that the teacher has created a masterpiece on the ins and OUTS of digestion. 

My young lady goes on to describe who is in the play and what their roles are. As we get to the bottom of things...no pun intended, we find out the major players. We have a mouth, an esophagus, a stomach and little and big instants. She goes on to describe that when the pickle goes in the mouth and down the esophagus, each student has to hug the pickle to make sure it goes down. I know this simulates the body parts pushing the article of food through the digestive system but I almost have a problem with this. 

No matter how hard she tries to describe the play I am still left with many questions. The number one question is: What the hell is this teacher thinking? We have a person with a college education making kids hug each other during a play about "shooting torpedoes", "dropping the kids off at the pool", "taking the Browns to the Super Bowl" or my personal favorite "banging out a deuce." This genius of an educator has given the go ahead to make a play on taking a shit. My second question is does the kid have to change costumes on his way through the big instant? I would also ask the teacher at what point does the green pickle become a brown pickle. These things need to be addressed. Seems to me there are some holes to this story. Something doesn't smell right.

If we have all the parts to this play as the 1st graders may think, I am left with one question. Who is the butt or anus? Which student got cast as the "ass"? 

I felt it was a fair question to ask my young lady. Her reply was, with a shake of her head and her little hand up in the air as if the question was somehow not a legitimate inquiry, "Ah, no one is the butt." I then said "Somebody has to be the butt. Where does the food, or in this case the pickle go?" She had nothing to say. 

Rewind to the meaningless assignment comment and we have something that supports my theory. Couldn't this be one of those assignments that fall directly into this category? I would pay money to be able to not only see this performance but(t) to ask the question when the clapping is finished,the bows completed and curtain calls taken to ask the teacher "Now what? The pickle doesn't just hang out in the big instant. And who is the butt? Somebody's got to be the butt!"